Cancer and Relationships: 5 Principles to Help Keep Things Positive
Advances e-Newsletter, UW Carbone Cancer Center
Susan Brye, CICSW, is an oncology social worker in the UW Carbone Cancer Center. She offers some insights on how to help maintain positive relationships - both with partners/spouses as well as friends - in the midst of a cancer diagnosis.
Cancer does test the strength and quality of relationships. The experience of cancer is not for the faint hearted – whether it is the person with the cancer or those who love them. You will soon be called upon to make decisions consciously or unconsciously about how it will impact your relationship with one another.
The only certainty about your relationship is change. When cancer comes into our lives it forces us to ride a roller coaster along with love, fear, sacrifice, loss and hope. Cancer will force you to look at yourself and others in a way you never had to do before. Most times you will not have time to gaze at your navel; the thoughts and decisions may often be quick and sometimes messy.
It reminds me of a reality TV show. You know, when the stakes are high, the decisions are tough and the best and worst of you are about to make themselves known to the other. At times the two of you will be at the bottom of the Grand Canyon having to face a seemingly impossible climb together and in another moment you will be at the top of the canyon feeling a sacred bond as you gaze with amazement at the world before you.
5 Key Principles to Help Keep Things Positive
There are some key principles to hold on to as you ride through the storm.
You are not a super hero nor involved with one although you may both be amazed at the amount of courage that is found.
Not so easy to do when your life is "on fire." This is the time to redefine relationship and roles because you won’t have a choice, like it or not. The change may be something as "simple" as not being the one to pick up the kids or taking over the role of big brother when you are the youngest. It is okay if you kick and scream into the "new you" although it may behoove you to do it into a pillow or under a bridge.
If you decide nothing is going to change between the two of you there will be frustration and failure. Research shows good relationships are based on the ability to renegotiate the "rules" spoken or unspoken in the relationship. The context of the relationship is ever changing. With time and experience the rules have to change to fit the circumstances. It can be treacherous territory but remember the view can be gorgeous from the top.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
To not do so is a disaster waiting to happen. Relationships, it they count, are never easy. If you don't let one another in, the relationship loses power when it needs more energy.
Be Aware of the Beauty of the Person Beside You and Take It In
Remind yourself of it when their behavior doesn't look so pretty. Recognize the strengths of the other and try to be kind about their deficits. Do the same for yourself. Try to remain true to yourself and allow the other to do the same. If you are, the relationship will find its path.
Be smart, ask for assistance whether that be a good talk with a friend or relationship counseling.
Susan offers a variety of free services to help those with cancer and their loved ones. Services include, but not limited to, finding ways to cope with the cancer diagnosis, understanding federal and state disability benefits, searching for local resources, work place issues and support.