Getting oriented

I walked in and greeted my patient, a tall, serious 14-year-old who looked me straight in the eye while we shook hands. I found the questionnaire that we use to discuss various aspects of teenage life pushed toward me, one prominent question written neatly across the top of the page: "Is it normal to have a crush on a girl?" Whatever the gender of this patient, the answer is a definite "yes."

It is normal for people to have attractions to all genders, particularly in adolescence when a person may just be starting to understand attraction and sexuality. Many, many teenagers wonder what their crushes mean in the long run for their sexual orientation and future relationships.

When do crushes start?

Generally, people start to notice that they are romantically or physically drawn to particular people around the time that they start to notice changes in their body from puberty; for most people, this will be in middle school or high school.  It's important to recognize that being attracted to a person is often a lot more than just being physically drawn to them.  We often develop crushes on people that make us feel good about ourselves, inspire us, or who we respect in some way, whether it be their ability to make people laugh or their incredible athletic skill.

'Does this mean that I'm gay?'

Many people wonder what crushes mean for their sexual orientation, which is a word that is used to describe a person's sexual or physical attractions and relationships. One question that comes up frequently for teens is this: If I am attracted to someone of the same sex or gender that I am, does that mean that I'm gay? As we discussed above, crushes can be complicated, and no one crush or attraction means that a person is gay, straight, bisexual, or any other sexual orientation. Some people might notice that their crushes are always on people of the same or opposite gender; for others, this might continue to change from day to day, week to week, or year to year. Even though sexual orientation might change or evolve over time, it's important to note that experts agree that the reasons that a person may be one sexual orientation or another are incredibly complicated and that people generally do not choose their sexual orientation. 

Surveys of teens in high school in the United States show that about 2.5 to 5 percent identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. No matter what words a person eventually uses to describe their orientation, the range of sexual orientations (including attractions to people of the same or different genders) are normal and healthy.

'You'll know when you're older'

Some people assume that they will not know their sexual orientation for sure until they have had a sexual experience of some kind. While having sex — or having any intimate experience with a person that you're attracted to — can be defining for some people, many people know their sexual orientation before they have ever been sexually active. Being physically intimate with someone also does not "confirm" your sexual orientation and people can and do still change their understanding of their sexual orientation after they become sexually active.

'When will I know for sure?'

This is a difficult and frustrating question for some people, because the answer is this: There is no specific time, age, or experience that will confirm a person's sexual orientation. Most people get to know themselves and their orientation better and better as they move through their teen years and into their twenties. Studies have shown that supporting teens as they work to understand their sexuality is incredibly important. For teenagers that identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, for example, support at home is associated with lower risk for depression and suicide and high-risk behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use.

Parents, friends, and other important community members can help support adolescents as they work to understand their sexual orientation by encouraging a positive self-image for the teen and making clear that they support the adolescent regardless of their sexual orientation.

The take-home

So, yes! It's normal to have a crush on a girl (or a guy), no matter what your gender, and having crushes on more than one gender is part of normal development of a person's sexual orientation. And, while there's no magic test to confirm a person's sexual orientation, there is a large range of normal sexual orientations that can all lead to happy, healthy relationships.